It was March of 1986 and I was eleven years old. It was almost spring break. I lived in the north end of Tacoma, WA.
At school I became friends with a girl who could often be found with her nose
in a book, sitting in a corner of the school stairs that led to the
playground. I was in the same
grade as one of her sisters, she was in the grade above me, and she also had
another sister that was in the younger grades. I remember her love and kindness for anyone and everyone and
her willingness to play with me whenever I asked her to, which became more
often than not. She and I became
good friends. Then it was time for spring break and I remember telling her good-bye
and Happy Easter and telling her to have a good spring break! One morning during spring break,
I went to the kitchen to get something to eat and my sister-in-law was sitting
at the table reading the morning paper. She came across the headline news that
was talking about a girl who had been murdered in Puget Park only a mile from
my house and it said that she went to Grant Elementary School where I went to
school. My sister-in-law asked me if I knew this girl in the paper, showing me
the picture. I remember saying,
“Yes that’s my new friend at school!” Looking concerned now, my sister-in-law tried to gently tell
me what happened to her, but I remember grabbing the paper out of her hands and
running to my room crying. I cut her
picture and the story out of the paper and hung it on my black board.
I loved to ride my bike around the neighborhood everyday - I
was obsessed with my bike - but
after this happened to my friend and so close to my house, I became too scared
to even leave my house. I became obsessed
with the story of how she was murdered and interestingly I became overly
concerned with her mom and sisters, and how they were, and how they reacted. I remember hearing that after my
friend’s mom found out what had happened to her daughter, she had to be taken
to the hospital because she went into shock. I didn’t know what that meant. People tried to explain as best they could and it wasn’t
until I saw my friend’s mom at the funeral that I understood what they were
telling me about her going into shock. She didn’t have any emotion and she looked straight ahead and
she looked as if she was not even there - in her eyes. I remember seeing her sisters at school
weeks later and they stayed close to each other and didn’t really play with
anyone else on the playground. I had
nightmares and became really scared of the dark, and parks with gulches scared
me the most. I avoided them like
the plague. The first time I drove by Puget Park after the murder, I remember thinking
about her mom, and I pictured her standing there at the park and the police
telling her what had happened to her little girl, and my heart ached as I
thought about the shock that I imagined her going into and the look in her eyes
at the funeral. I became so obsessed
that my parents where very concerned about me.
After some time, I remember my mom coming into my room and
telling me that I needed to live; I needed to move on and live my life. She told me to take her picture
and story down off of my black board and put it in my journal and write about
my feelings in there and then let it stay there, and to not let this ruin how I
live my life. And then she added
that my friend would have wanted that for me. I took my mother’s advice.
Sometimes I do have to look at this memory again, if it pops
up again for me, and I have found that it just may mean I need to look at it
from a different angle. At one
point, I realized that the angle I had missed was from the time I left school
and was saying my goodbyes. I
realized that I was still holding on to the fact that I didn’t let her know how
much I really cared about her and that I didn’t realize it was my last goodbye.
But other than that, because of my
mother’s wise words, I didn’t own my
friend’s death by letting it change and alter my life for the worse. I allowed her memory to live on in the
life that she lived, by how she treated others and how she showed love to all.
This experience prepared me for the broader experience I had
of being an only child, practically.
My brother was eleven years older than me, and my mom worked full time. I was shuffled from babysitter to babysitter,
and I saw and experienced a lot in my childhood that my kids will never have to
experience in their childhood, both good and bad. Even though my mom worked full time, she was the most loving
mother a girl could dream of having. She cuddled me whenever she got a chance
and I had a great childhood because of the love that my mother showered on me. She
is the greatest example to me to me, too, because she was raised by a mother
who verbally abused her all the time and never gave her the love that she
longed for. In addition, she
didn’t even meet her biological father until in her late thirties. But because
of the love she had inside of her and because she had to rely on the Spirit to
help her along in life, she has become one of the greatest ladies I know. Even though she didn’t have the love in
her life that she needed, she decided to create that kind love in her life with
her own children. She took back what
was taken from her own childhood, exercising her faith in herself and in God,
and showed that kind of love for my brother and me. She didn’t own how she was raised, nor let it become a part
of her, and she did not continue to pass it down to her children. Did she
struggle? Of course she did, but
she didn’t let it define who she was, and she did her very best (and still
does) everyday to let it go.
Sometimes in life our own experiences can either make or
break us and we choose during those experiences who we will become. Some have
had experiences where they either rely on the arm of flesh and fear man, or
they become a God fearing people, recognizing and seeing that relying on the Spirit
helps you make decisions in their life.
These decisions can be life altering, or they can be as simple as using
the Spirit in everyday tasks, making your day easier and smoother. Either way
we have to become, and get to
that place within our own lives where we rely heavily on the Spirit.
One of the ways that can block us, such that we stay stuck
and cannot progress and move, is to OWN everything that comes our way. If we become obsessed and cannot move
easily from place to place in our own lives, and we become stuck and cannot
progress, it’s because we have taught ourselves to start owning every thing
that we really cannot control. We
try to manipulate and control things in our own lives, whether it’s a spouse
who is making bad decisions, a child going on the wrong path, parents who
aren’t what you expect them to be because of their own circumstances and
decisions, or extended family causing chaos for everyone in and around the
family, etc. We cannot control everything and we cannot own everyone’s problems
and sometimes there are relationships that you just have to sever because it is
just too poisonous to continue on in that relationship.
Because of my own experiences in my life, I could have
allowed myself to continue to block out or even stop progressing. I could have
used the excuse that my mother was never around to teach me, but I acknowledged
that what she did teach me was what I needed for my future of raising nine
children. She taught me
unconditional love, and the security that showing and freely expressing that
love can bring. I didn’t allow myself
to stop because I wasn’t taught when I was a child, nor do I hold it against my
mother. She did the best she could
with what light she had at the time. We all have different stages of light in
our lives and it’s not up to us to judge ourselves or others by the light they
carry or we carry. Be kind to yourself and others and allow yourself and others
to grow around you. God knows who you are and what you need at the time that
you need it. I didn’t learn to cook, sew, etc. when I was young but because I
have been open to learn those things now as an adult, God has blessed me with
different people in my life along the way to teach and to show me how and I am
truly grateful for everyone’s gifts and abilities and being willing to share
and show me how to do some of these things. What a blessing to be apart of the
unifying process of connecting with others so that we can grow!
Don’t allow
yourself to own the fact that you don’t know how to do something. I am a perfect product of this. For
years I owned that I was stupid and allowed others to call me that, and because
I allowed it, it stuck with me for a long time. I could not do what I do now if I continued to own that, and
allow my belief system to continue on that path of not progressing because I owned
that belief. We all have hang ups,
but to recognize them is the first key to acknowledging them for what they are
– hang ups, or spiritual snags, if you will, in your Aura, which is your
spiritual protection system. Just like the cells in your body protect your
body, our emotions or belief system can wear down and tear a hole in one’s aura
like an infection in the body, leaving you feeling tired and lifeless. Find out where they come from, whether
you brought that energy with you when you came to this earth, if it’s in your
generational gene pool, or if it’s because of life experiences that you need to
release and let go of one, or all three.
Owning what is not in our control is an exact reflection of the
trust we have in God. I tell my clients to picture a large pot in front of
them. In that pot are people in our lives that we care and love and the juices
that they are swimming in are the emotions or events etc. in their lives. Our
job is to stay out of that pot. When we stand outside that pot, standing on
either side of us is Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. When we stay out of the
pot we are allowing ourselves to simply look over to either of them and ask for
guidance on how to help and what to do, even if the answer is painfully to do
nothing. We are now being an inspired observer. When we are an inspired
observer, we are inspired more on how people work and how they behave and how
they need our help; otherwise we are jumping in and taking control and are
BLIND. We have to stay an “Inspired Observer” in order to really give others
the help they need and deserve. Otherwise you are just spinning your wheels. I
had to learn this technique and I was inspired with this visual to help others
and myself recognize how often we try to own things. This is especially hard
when dealing with family and loved ones. I use this all the time to better help
my clients so I can stay inspired to be able to help. It is basically putting
down the control and handing it back over to God. It does take practice and do
NOT be too hard on yourself, especially when first learning how to do this. It
does take consistent practice and you will get better over time. I promise. I
have felt more joy and happiness and more success when helping others,
family/friends/clients when doing this.
Owning things that are out of my control has been a part of
my life in the past, but I learned that I didn’t have to do that. I recognized that it was just plain and
simple fear, and when I was able to see that, I was able to be and feel free.
We are here to process and continue to learn all that we didn't finish learning before we came to this earth and it's up to us to continue that learning process. We are stewards over who we have been assigned to in this life, children, spouse etc. We are not here to take control over those around us and their lives, we are only in control over our own. We have the capabilities to let go and to shine!
